Another thing to add to my hate list

I'm just going to say it: I hate bicyclists.
I do, I really, really do. From the spandex wearing, super intense bikers to the recreational ones just trying to get to work downtown, I hate them. And I know that's not fair, and it's hypocritical, because I had every intention of forming a bike gang with my friends once they moved downtown, but I might just have to hold off on that.

This prejudice didn't start with me. I was susceptible to early morning grumblings and rants about bikers from my father, who was always tempted to hit the hordes on Patterson when we were driving to church. In his defense, they really shouldn't be riding in packs, making it impossible to turn right on hollister. We even started a game of how many points annoyances on the road would be if we hit them. Bikers were 150. Old ladies were 1. I learned from my papa early on that cyclists aren't to be trusted, and with good reason. Read on:
During my Saturday mornings at work the Irvine Biking Enthusisasts would descend into the Bean in a mob, rushing past us in a blur of fluorescent, and use our bathrooms, drain our free water pitcher, then take up all the patio chairs for an hour and buy absolutely nothing. They would leave their tiny wax cups near the trash, but never in it. It's hard to make a plausible case for them when they do nothing but make my life miserable. I wish I could apologize to all my neighbors for the many times I would ride my bike up and down our street. I'm sure I nearly caused a few accidents in my day. What a douchebag I was.

Much to my chagrin, the Independent reports that bicycle usage is up a tremendous amount in Santa Barbara. They wrote it as good news, I thought they were taunting me. Yes, hooray for more people abandoning their cars and finding an Eco-friendly way to commute. I really shouldn't be complaining, but, why can't you just walk? I like pedestrians. They are nice to me when I'm driving. They are afraid of getting run over, so they obey the laws within reason. I can relate with them as a former walking commuter myself, a long, long time ago.

I hate bicyclists because they get in my way when I'm driving. They ride unsteadily all over the road and don't obey traffic signs, which by the way, DO PERTAIN TO THEM AS WELL. They think because it's a bike, they can ride on the sidewalks, ride in the middle of two lanes, ride down the wrong way of the street, ride through red lights, ride through crosswalks when they don't want to wait for red lights. The list goes on and on. I don't just hate them as a driver. I hate them whenever I'm walking downtown and have to flatten myself against a wall because someone doesn't like to ride on the road. My neighbor Beverly was hit by a bicyclist(first offense), on the sidewalk (second), going the wrong way(third), and who pedaled away as fast as his oddly muscular calves could take him(we have a winner). Not cool, at all. PLUS, I recently saw a girl biking and talking on her cell phone. And not the Bluetooth. A full on flip phone. Um, ok, how is that legal? You need both hands to steer that menace around, yet you really only need one when you drive a car, but that is not allowed? Bikers are just tremendous assholes. They think since they're doing the world a favor, they are never the offenders on the road. They can yell snide things at you as they roll by and get away with it.

So I know in this world of cars and pollution, biking is a good alternative. But I feel like I should warn you that it is evil. I think whoever invented the bike sold their soul to the devil. I can't prove it yet, but I'm pretty sure. I'll wikipedia it later. To my biking friends: just please be careful on the road. Because I want to hit you. Very, very much. Or pin you between my car and the ones parked on the side of the road and squish the smug out of you. You want to do something helpful for the Earth? Bring a reusable bag to the grocery store. Stop using plastic water bottles. That does not give me the impulse to commit vehicular murder.

You have been warned.

I TOLD YOU!