Notes from my Netflix

Dear Angela,
We get it. You like comedy. Hows 'bout we round out your viewing palate and get some classics in there for ya? Oh, wait, you do have the classics in your instant queue! I misjudged-and now you're choosing Veronica Mars over Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Niiiiice. Let me know how that works out for ya. I'm shortening "you" so you understand how sarcastic I can be. I think it's stupid, but Boris in shipping says that you, excuse me, ya wouldn't get that when it's on paper. Boris is an idiot, but apparently, so are ya.

Hey now, don't get upset. I'm just here to remind you of the reason why you signed up for Netflix in the first place! I believe it was because you have seen very little of cinematic masterpieces out there and wanted to, at the very least be sure of who said "You can't handle the truth!"

Ok, and now The Pianist is disc-only! It was on your queue for months! MONTHS! I don't understand how you can ignore such a magnificent film like that. Well, yes, it is about WWII and kind of a downer, but well worth it-
     REALLY? Beauty and the Briefcase? It's a LIFETIME MOVIE for god's sake! According to your preferences, I am going to tell you now for sure that you will hate it. You won't even get past the opening credits! Go and watch An Education, you'll regret it less. No? Ok, it's your funeral-yeah I was right. You lost interest 10 minutes in. Now go and watch-Stop adding more smart movies to your queue! You'll never watch them!

Ok, that's it! Boris told me to end the letter here but I just can't stand it anymore! You want to be pandered to? Well, here are your suggestions! Frank Caliendo stand up! What do you think about that? Grown ups! What a gem of a movie! The Roast of William Shatner! How much are you hating this right now? SPINAL TAP-wait, that's a good one, how did that get in here? Goddamn it Boris.
You don't even understand how badly I am mocking you right now Angela! I hate your guts! It's people like you who don't deserve to own a Netflix subscription! I hate my job!

Dearest Angela,
We would like to express our sincerest apologies for the previous letter. As of today, that employee no longer is with us. And that is in no way, shape, or form your fault. Yes, it is true that the moment he discontinued his rant he proceeded to attack fellow Netflix employee Boris Vander Ark, throw him into a supply closet and hold him for ransom, but there was truly no way you could have seen that coming. I thought he was going to throw himself off the roof of our building. I was partially right. Once we had him surrounded he headed for the stairs. Someone on the 23rd floor apprehended him, so he just jumped out of one of their windows. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you in great detail. Oh yes, Boris said you had a right to know. Near-death experience or not, I really hate that guy.
So, continue to enjoy your Netflix service. Feel free to watch whatever you want. Aside from the deceased employee, no one cares about your preferences-seriously? Party Down yet again? You've already watched that four times already! God you're hopeless. The Jerk won't be available after the 6th! Watch that instead!

Sincerely ashamed of you,
Netflix