Cold hard truth: Boring people exist.
Another cold hard truth: You can't avoid them. No matter how hard you try.
I was lucky for a while. My weird parents ("We are not weird!" my mother's voice shrieks in my head) always had interesting friends for the most part. I grew up as a weird child, and naturally that attracts some unique individuals who are either drawn to you or vice versa. I was involved in theater from a young age, so I constantly had a healthy dose of "colorful" people in my life. This is where I first encountered homeschoolers. Enough said.
It wasn't until high school that my eyes were opened, and what stood before me was a being unlike any I had ever seen before. A boring person. A Beige* if you will. Beige's are sneaky. They don't talk much, so you think they're all shy at first, so you make it a point to get to know them. It's a trap, don't do it! They lure you in on the pretense of mystery, then once the door has shut, you realize that they just don't have anything to say about anything. At all. Mystery solved, and you are the winner of a Beige friend.
I had a Beige friend in high school that my mom made me hang out with, and for a while, things weren't so bad. She laughed at everything I had to say. She never disagreed with me. We never argued! Then one day, as I finished telling her an apparently hilarious story, I looked up and saw her laughing with the blankest look on her face and it hit me: she's a Beige. Well, I didn't say that in my head. I just came up with that term all of 10 minutes ago. Focus, people. What I did say to myself was, "OH MY GOD SHE'S BORING. SHE'S SO BORING. RUN. RUN NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE." Sadly, I was in class, so I had to continue sitting there, but everything had changed. It all became so clear. We had never had an actual conversation, just monologues, she had no personal opinions about anything which made it hard to disagree on issues, and even though I love people laughing at my witty repartee, I am aware that not everything I have to say are gems. Just ask my boss.
Even worse is when you realize that adults you have known for some time are also boring. That hurts, man. I was raised to respect adults in my life, and it is SO HARD to do so when you have a frozen look of horror mixed with pity on your face as they tell you the most mundane story EVER.** Their houses smell of canned green beans and defeat. You want to save their children from their own boring fate, but it's too late. They're already staring at walls with adoration in their eyes. "How do I get to that state?"
Thankfully, I know very few Beige's, but it feels like a lot when you have constant contact with them. I once experienced a grouping of them in a bar, it was pathetic. They all just sat around and waited for someone to begin a topic of conversation. Oh, and it was St. Patrick's Day. Yes, Anna Lisa, I'm talking about your friends. The effect was overwhelming. Too many Beige's in one room and I start to have a panic attack.
As fun-sucking as they are, boring people were put on this earth for a reason. Someone needs to work complacently in cubicles. That's the only reason I could think of. What did the cavemen do with Beige's? Use them as bait to lure animals out of hiding? They probably just remained in the caves inventing math. I do know that this is not chronologically correct, that math was probably invented by brighter versions of humans, but I didn't say that I was a genius. Just ask my mom. All I have to say is this: I may be a little slow, but at least I'm not boring.
*FYI I'm calling boring people Beige's from now on. Spread the word, it will catch on, but you must credit me with the coining of the name.
**These stories are not to be confused with animal stories. Although not great conversation on say, a first date, they are still kind of awesome to hear unless the teller of the story refers to said animal as "My furbaby." Even if this phrase is uttered, it is still not a boring story. Just pure craziness. And still better than a boring story.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Notes from my Netflix
Dear Angela,
We get it. You like comedy. Hows 'bout we round out your viewing palate and get some classics in there for ya? Oh, wait, you do have the classics in your instant queue! I misjudged-and now you're choosing Veronica Mars over Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Niiiiice. Let me know how that works out for ya. I'm shortening "you" so you understand how sarcastic I can be. I think it's stupid, but Boris in shipping says that you, excuse me, ya wouldn't get that when it's on paper. Boris is an idiot, but apparently, so are ya.
Hey now, don't get upset. I'm just here to remind you of the reason why you signed up for Netflix in the first place! I believe it was because you have seen very little of cinematic masterpieces out there and wanted to, at the very least be sure of who said "You can't handle the truth!"
Ok, and now The Pianist is disc-only! It was on your queue for months! MONTHS! I don't understand how you can ignore such a magnificent film like that. Well, yes, it is about WWII and kind of a downer, but well worth it-
REALLY? Beauty and the Briefcase? It's a LIFETIME MOVIE for god's sake! According to your preferences, I am going to tell you now for sure that you will hate it. You won't even get past the opening credits! Go and watch An Education, you'll regret it less. No? Ok, it's your funeral-yeah I was right. You lost interest 10 minutes in. Now go and watch-Stop adding more smart movies to your queue! You'll never watch them!
Ok, that's it! Boris told me to end the letter here but I just can't stand it anymore! You want to be pandered to? Well, here are your suggestions! Frank Caliendo stand up! What do you think about that? Grown ups! What a gem of a movie! The Roast of William Shatner! How much are you hating this right now? SPINAL TAP-wait, that's a good one, how did that get in here? Goddamn it Boris.
You don't even understand how badly I am mocking you right now Angela! I hate your guts! It's people like you who don't deserve to own a Netflix subscription! I hate my job!
Dearest Angela,
We would like to express our sincerest apologies for the previous letter. As of today, that employee no longer is with us. And that is in no way, shape, or form your fault. Yes, it is true that the moment he discontinued his rant he proceeded to attack fellow Netflix employee Boris Vander Ark, throw him into a supply closet and hold him for ransom, but there was truly no way you could have seen that coming. I thought he was going to throw himself off the roof of our building. I was partially right. Once we had him surrounded he headed for the stairs. Someone on the 23rd floor apprehended him, so he just jumped out of one of their windows. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you in great detail. Oh yes, Boris said you had a right to know. Near-death experience or not, I really hate that guy.
So, continue to enjoy your Netflix service. Feel free to watch whatever you want. Aside from the deceased employee, no one cares about your preferences-seriously? Party Down yet again? You've already watched that four times already! God you're hopeless. The Jerk won't be available after the 6th! Watch that instead!
Sincerely ashamed of you,
Netflix
We get it. You like comedy. Hows 'bout we round out your viewing palate and get some classics in there for ya? Oh, wait, you do have the classics in your instant queue! I misjudged-and now you're choosing Veronica Mars over Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Niiiiice. Let me know how that works out for ya. I'm shortening "you" so you understand how sarcastic I can be. I think it's stupid, but Boris in shipping says that you, excuse me, ya wouldn't get that when it's on paper. Boris is an idiot, but apparently, so are ya.
Hey now, don't get upset. I'm just here to remind you of the reason why you signed up for Netflix in the first place! I believe it was because you have seen very little of cinematic masterpieces out there and wanted to, at the very least be sure of who said "You can't handle the truth!"
Ok, and now The Pianist is disc-only! It was on your queue for months! MONTHS! I don't understand how you can ignore such a magnificent film like that. Well, yes, it is about WWII and kind of a downer, but well worth it-
REALLY? Beauty and the Briefcase? It's a LIFETIME MOVIE for god's sake! According to your preferences, I am going to tell you now for sure that you will hate it. You won't even get past the opening credits! Go and watch An Education, you'll regret it less. No? Ok, it's your funeral-yeah I was right. You lost interest 10 minutes in. Now go and watch-Stop adding more smart movies to your queue! You'll never watch them!
Ok, that's it! Boris told me to end the letter here but I just can't stand it anymore! You want to be pandered to? Well, here are your suggestions! Frank Caliendo stand up! What do you think about that? Grown ups! What a gem of a movie! The Roast of William Shatner! How much are you hating this right now? SPINAL TAP-wait, that's a good one, how did that get in here? Goddamn it Boris.
You don't even understand how badly I am mocking you right now Angela! I hate your guts! It's people like you who don't deserve to own a Netflix subscription! I hate my job!
Dearest Angela,
We would like to express our sincerest apologies for the previous letter. As of today, that employee no longer is with us. And that is in no way, shape, or form your fault. Yes, it is true that the moment he discontinued his rant he proceeded to attack fellow Netflix employee Boris Vander Ark, throw him into a supply closet and hold him for ransom, but there was truly no way you could have seen that coming. I thought he was going to throw himself off the roof of our building. I was partially right. Once we had him surrounded he headed for the stairs. Someone on the 23rd floor apprehended him, so he just jumped out of one of their windows. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you in great detail. Oh yes, Boris said you had a right to know. Near-death experience or not, I really hate that guy.
So, continue to enjoy your Netflix service. Feel free to watch whatever you want. Aside from the deceased employee, no one cares about your preferences-seriously? Party Down yet again? You've already watched that four times already! God you're hopeless. The Jerk won't be available after the 6th! Watch that instead!
Sincerely ashamed of you,
Netflix
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Read or ignore if you want, but I'm awesome either way
I am a pretentious little (well, 5'7, so average?) shit. I realize that now as I reread my past posts. I want to apologize to you lovely people, but I'm not that sorry. I am who I am. I could fix it, but then I'd be perfect, and that's no fun. And this not my way of forcing all of you to disagree with me by telling me that I am awesome and in no way, shape, or form have I ever acted like the smart ass that seeps out of my comedic (to me at least) musings. I am, however, accepting compliments in the form of how cute I was as a baby (just look at my profile picture!) and how soft my hair is (no bragging, it's just the truth). Those never get old.
I could begin a new transformation, start wiping the smug off my face and appeal to the world as a humble person. But it's too late for that, and I do like knowing that I'm better than you. And you may smile at this, and think that I'm so clever and just joshing, but it's the truth. I am. But you don't care, because you think that you're better than me for having the same exact thoughts but better sense than to post them on a blog. And I can't say that I disagree with you; but no matter what you say (or think) I am definitely better than you.
I blame my parents for this attitude, just as you should blame your parents for your high self-importance. They think we are, as the flappers and hopefully no one in this day and age would say, the bees-knees. We're not perfect, no, but our wrong doings are quickly erased every time we do something extraordinary. In their minds, of course. To everyone else who didn't raise you from birth, it's worthy of a giant eye roll. Our parents (at least mine, because they're awesome. Or were, RIP Pops) raised us to believe that we are special. No, we are beyond special: we are truly unique. Sadly, all of us unique individuals are not so. We go out into the world, meet new people, and are astonished to believe that they have the exact same interests/talents/tastes as us! WHAT? Surely this means a long lasting friendship! How odd that I have found someone exactly like-oh wait, that other person over there is just like me as well-and that person. Fuck. Thanks a lot, Ma. Parents are the reason American Idol auditions are the most entertaining part of the show. They fill us with so much confidence in our minimal skills that we don't have the good sense to separate the subjective from the objective.
I don't really know the point I'm trying to get across-oh, yes I do. Even though I have a high opinion of myself that may or may not be true (jury's still out), I could care less, because without it, I just wouldn't be me. And you guys would be at a loss of being able to judge someone on a monthly basis (or whenever I get around to posting). AND, furthermore, this blog would be put to use for something super boring, like cats or the knitting pattern I'd just finished. And no, I'm not saying cat stories aren't fun. If you knew me, you know I love me some cat stories. But I am aware that not everyone enjoys them as much as I do. And knitting is super...cool. I know nothing about it, but I'm sure the fuzzy scarves are definitely worth the time put in. Please don't stab me with those needles Mags.
Just a reminder to the ones I consider friends, remember how you perceived me before you read this? Just stick with that image. This never happened.
I could begin a new transformation, start wiping the smug off my face and appeal to the world as a humble person. But it's too late for that, and I do like knowing that I'm better than you. And you may smile at this, and think that I'm so clever and just joshing, but it's the truth. I am. But you don't care, because you think that you're better than me for having the same exact thoughts but better sense than to post them on a blog. And I can't say that I disagree with you; but no matter what you say (or think) I am definitely better than you.
I blame my parents for this attitude, just as you should blame your parents for your high self-importance. They think we are, as the flappers and hopefully no one in this day and age would say, the bees-knees. We're not perfect, no, but our wrong doings are quickly erased every time we do something extraordinary. In their minds, of course. To everyone else who didn't raise you from birth, it's worthy of a giant eye roll. Our parents (at least mine, because they're awesome. Or were, RIP Pops) raised us to believe that we are special. No, we are beyond special: we are truly unique. Sadly, all of us unique individuals are not so. We go out into the world, meet new people, and are astonished to believe that they have the exact same interests/talents/tastes as us! WHAT? Surely this means a long lasting friendship! How odd that I have found someone exactly like-oh wait, that other person over there is just like me as well-and that person. Fuck. Thanks a lot, Ma. Parents are the reason American Idol auditions are the most entertaining part of the show. They fill us with so much confidence in our minimal skills that we don't have the good sense to separate the subjective from the objective.
I don't really know the point I'm trying to get across-oh, yes I do. Even though I have a high opinion of myself that may or may not be true (jury's still out), I could care less, because without it, I just wouldn't be me. And you guys would be at a loss of being able to judge someone on a monthly basis (or whenever I get around to posting). AND, furthermore, this blog would be put to use for something super boring, like cats or the knitting pattern I'd just finished. And no, I'm not saying cat stories aren't fun. If you knew me, you know I love me some cat stories. But I am aware that not everyone enjoys them as much as I do. And knitting is super...cool. I know nothing about it, but I'm sure the fuzzy scarves are definitely worth the time put in. Please don't stab me with those needles Mags.
Just a reminder to the ones I consider friends, remember how you perceived me before you read this? Just stick with that image. This never happened.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Like it if you agree
As my older sister constantly reminds me in that signature high pitched voice of hers, I hate a lot of things. She sees it as a bad thing, I see it as a good thing. People who love everything are not to be trusted. It's as simple as that.
What my dear sister does not realize is how very wrong she is about me. I just happen to hate everything she likes. And with good reason. For those who don't know her, she thinks quality comedy is Legally Blonde. Right?
I'm veering off my reason for writing here today. There is something out there that I love and hate with equal fervor. I can say for certain that everyone in the modern day world agrees with me on this. For once in this world, everyone is joined together in a brotherhood (or sisterhood for any protesting feminists reading this) by the same on-again, off-again relationship they have with their biggest frenemy:
Facebook.
You all know the feeling. You love being able to stalk people on it but hate the fact that you yourself can be stalked. You hate how addicting it is to check your feed for updates yet you can't stop doing it 10 times an hour*. And so here is my love/hate list:
LOVE
-Parents/old people on facebook.
-It's cute, really. They don't how to work everything so they end up leaving a comment on their own page. Or they write you a comment like they were writing you a letter. They sign their name and everything! They leave countless peppy messages on their kids walls, wishing them nothing but love everyday. They join every single facebook game that has to do with animals. They reconnect with their friends and you get to learn maiden names.
HATE
-Parents/old people on facebook
-It's a double edged sword, ya'll. It's just not right. It's the reason why myspace fell so quickly. Parents joined, became friends with their kids and everyone fled. It'll happen here soon. Someone just needs to start another site, make it really exclusive so everyone will want to join, then eventually let everyone on, and repeat.
And I hate feeling like an ass when I leave a caustic remark on a friend's wall, then check back a few hours later to discover their mother left them a really sweet comment above mine. They don't know I'm joking. They probably hate me. And I think my love for old people on facebook would be diminished if my mother joined. All sorts of bad would happen then. So for now, it's a mix.
LOVE
Status Updates
-I'm not going to lie. I love writing stuff in my status. I try to make it funny as not to annoy people when they scroll through their friends opinions, but it's also because I want people to write on my wall. You do it too. It's really an easy way to get praise for the day. I'm a middle child, what's your excuse?
HATE
Whiny Updates/People who Egg the Whiners On
-We get it. Your life sucks. And I also know you're writing this to receive affirmations that your life, in fact, does not suck. You have so much to live for! And as for the girls who complain about being single/can't find a good man/feel unloved, shut your mouth. You know it's not true, you just want to hear it from others. And don't think I've forgotten about you, you pushers. Why do you fall for their attention seeking ways? Do you honestly believe they are a second away from jumping off a bridge? If they are, I doubt they would be updating thier status. Honestly though, I wouldn't put it past anyone.
LOVE
Being able to "like" things
-It's better than having to leave a comment. It's there for when you enjoy what a person had to say, or a funny picture someone posted, etc. but you don't have much else to say about it. Wonderful. It's also useful for when your friends post some good news about them that you don't necessarily like, but feel like a bad friend for ignoring it. Apparently. So I've been told.
HATE
Employers searching on Facebook
-I hate that some companies now ask you to send a link to your facebook page when you apply for a job. I have even heard that employers ask to friend you when you're at the interview. Lines are getting blurred, and I for one think that what I do on facebook is for me and my 300 friends to know about. It's not for work, it's for fun. Until I send out an invitation to the one act I'm directing in May which everyone better attend or else their pets will go missing, it's just for fun.
LOVE
Hiding people
-My favorite thing. It's better than deleting friends. You just hide them, and your day gets better. No offense to my friends, but there are some of you who take to the update like no one's business. Or you like to share facts about your children's digestive habits. Or you play a million games. I'm sorry to say, but I really don't care. This way, no one's feelings get hurt. Nobody needs to know. And we have all felt that sting of when you look up a profile and see that "Add so-and-so as a friend" button when you were pretty sure that you were already friends, and not just the "we met once" friends. I'm looking at you Amelia. But you can't see this. Because you defriended me.
HATE
Check-ins
-Is this what they're called? Anways, to the people who use it: aren't you just a little creeped out that someone can track your every move with assistance from you yourself? I do know for a very creepy fact that someone i know has used this before to their advantage. There's more out there. But for realsies here, I don't care that you're at the airport. Or at the bowling alley. Or that you're eating korean bbq. Unless you're inviting me to dine with you, I don't want to know where that restaurant is.
LOVE
Sharing links
Thank you Zuckerberg for making it easier to post articles or cleverly written blog posts. It's better then the old way of copying the link, then trying to embed it on your wall, unsure of if it will appear or just post the link and all that other nonsense that's vital to the video but looks like I just suffered a stroke and started pressing random numbers on the keyboard. No, i do not know the exact words for that, I'm only human. You know what I'm talking about, so don't make me explain. Anyways, thanks for that.
HATE
Losing a personal connection
-Let's get dark here for a second. We get so personal online, we share so much stuff, but if we were interacting face to face, we wouldn't dare to do that with people we barely knew. Plus, people facebook you to catch up instead of calling you. You literally have nothing to talk about when you encounter an old friend you haven't seen in years because you already know what's going on in their lives. I'll admit it: it's easier to talk to someone when it's not face to face. However, I do like interacting with people, it's good for the soul, and I'd like to be able to continue doing that with others.
Well, that's all I have the patience and time for. There probably are more, and they'll come to me as soon as I post this, but that's where you come in, readers. All three of you. Tell me your love/hates about the Face and I will read them and like them. Unless I don't agree with you. Then I'm deleting you as a friend. You have been warned.
*This statistic does not apply to those who have facebook on their phones. That could up the count. I don't know how you live your life.
What my dear sister does not realize is how very wrong she is about me. I just happen to hate everything she likes. And with good reason. For those who don't know her, she thinks quality comedy is Legally Blonde. Right?
I'm veering off my reason for writing here today. There is something out there that I love and hate with equal fervor. I can say for certain that everyone in the modern day world agrees with me on this. For once in this world, everyone is joined together in a brotherhood (or sisterhood for any protesting feminists reading this) by the same on-again, off-again relationship they have with their biggest frenemy:
Facebook.
You all know the feeling. You love being able to stalk people on it but hate the fact that you yourself can be stalked. You hate how addicting it is to check your feed for updates yet you can't stop doing it 10 times an hour*. And so here is my love/hate list:
LOVE
-Parents/old people on facebook.
-It's cute, really. They don't how to work everything so they end up leaving a comment on their own page. Or they write you a comment like they were writing you a letter. They sign their name and everything! They leave countless peppy messages on their kids walls, wishing them nothing but love everyday. They join every single facebook game that has to do with animals. They reconnect with their friends and you get to learn maiden names.
HATE
-Parents/old people on facebook
-It's a double edged sword, ya'll. It's just not right. It's the reason why myspace fell so quickly. Parents joined, became friends with their kids and everyone fled. It'll happen here soon. Someone just needs to start another site, make it really exclusive so everyone will want to join, then eventually let everyone on, and repeat.
And I hate feeling like an ass when I leave a caustic remark on a friend's wall, then check back a few hours later to discover their mother left them a really sweet comment above mine. They don't know I'm joking. They probably hate me. And I think my love for old people on facebook would be diminished if my mother joined. All sorts of bad would happen then. So for now, it's a mix.
LOVE
Status Updates
-I'm not going to lie. I love writing stuff in my status. I try to make it funny as not to annoy people when they scroll through their friends opinions, but it's also because I want people to write on my wall. You do it too. It's really an easy way to get praise for the day. I'm a middle child, what's your excuse?
HATE
Whiny Updates/People who Egg the Whiners On
-We get it. Your life sucks. And I also know you're writing this to receive affirmations that your life, in fact, does not suck. You have so much to live for! And as for the girls who complain about being single/can't find a good man/feel unloved, shut your mouth. You know it's not true, you just want to hear it from others. And don't think I've forgotten about you, you pushers. Why do you fall for their attention seeking ways? Do you honestly believe they are a second away from jumping off a bridge? If they are, I doubt they would be updating thier status. Honestly though, I wouldn't put it past anyone.
LOVE
Being able to "like" things
-It's better than having to leave a comment. It's there for when you enjoy what a person had to say, or a funny picture someone posted, etc. but you don't have much else to say about it. Wonderful. It's also useful for when your friends post some good news about them that you don't necessarily like, but feel like a bad friend for ignoring it. Apparently. So I've been told.
HATE
Employers searching on Facebook
-I hate that some companies now ask you to send a link to your facebook page when you apply for a job. I have even heard that employers ask to friend you when you're at the interview. Lines are getting blurred, and I for one think that what I do on facebook is for me and my 300 friends to know about. It's not for work, it's for fun. Until I send out an invitation to the one act I'm directing in May which everyone better attend or else their pets will go missing, it's just for fun.
LOVE
Hiding people
-My favorite thing. It's better than deleting friends. You just hide them, and your day gets better. No offense to my friends, but there are some of you who take to the update like no one's business. Or you like to share facts about your children's digestive habits. Or you play a million games. I'm sorry to say, but I really don't care. This way, no one's feelings get hurt. Nobody needs to know. And we have all felt that sting of when you look up a profile and see that "Add so-and-so as a friend" button when you were pretty sure that you were already friends, and not just the "we met once" friends. I'm looking at you Amelia. But you can't see this. Because you defriended me.
HATE
Check-ins
-Is this what they're called? Anways, to the people who use it: aren't you just a little creeped out that someone can track your every move with assistance from you yourself? I do know for a very creepy fact that someone i know has used this before to their advantage. There's more out there. But for realsies here, I don't care that you're at the airport. Or at the bowling alley. Or that you're eating korean bbq. Unless you're inviting me to dine with you, I don't want to know where that restaurant is.
LOVE
Sharing links
Thank you Zuckerberg for making it easier to post articles or cleverly written blog posts. It's better then the old way of copying the link, then trying to embed it on your wall, unsure of if it will appear or just post the link and all that other nonsense that's vital to the video but looks like I just suffered a stroke and started pressing random numbers on the keyboard. No, i do not know the exact words for that, I'm only human. You know what I'm talking about, so don't make me explain. Anyways, thanks for that.
HATE
Losing a personal connection
-Let's get dark here for a second. We get so personal online, we share so much stuff, but if we were interacting face to face, we wouldn't dare to do that with people we barely knew. Plus, people facebook you to catch up instead of calling you. You literally have nothing to talk about when you encounter an old friend you haven't seen in years because you already know what's going on in their lives. I'll admit it: it's easier to talk to someone when it's not face to face. However, I do like interacting with people, it's good for the soul, and I'd like to be able to continue doing that with others.
Well, that's all I have the patience and time for. There probably are more, and they'll come to me as soon as I post this, but that's where you come in, readers. All three of you. Tell me your love/hates about the Face and I will read them and like them. Unless I don't agree with you. Then I'm deleting you as a friend. You have been warned.
*This statistic does not apply to those who have facebook on their phones. That could up the count. I don't know how you live your life.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Welcome Back
So I haven't been writing as of late, and I would apologize but I'm not that sorry. I wrote because I enjoyed imagining people reading my whimsical thoughts on life and wishing they could hang out with me all the time. And I was bored. That was a big factor. Now I actually have work to do. In fact, I have this ongoing thing which I have been working on for a while and never seems to end. That sounds like hell to most people, but to the person who made it her job to stalk people on Facebook, it sounds refreshing. It's like her job does end up helping someone. Who that someone is, she has no idea, but it's nice to have that in mind. Makes the hours feel well spent. And I do stalk people, but it actually helps me with my work. I don't have to do it, but I go that extra mile. By the way, go to spokeo.com, look up your name, then get it removed. It's creepy. Totally unrelated. Moving on.
So I take this time out of my busywork to talk to you good people and let you know that I'm here, filled to the brim with sarcasm, cynicism and dry wit. I really do want to entertain you, or at least trick you to read this, but I'm only one person. There's only so much I can do in a 7 hour work day. Our customer database isn't going to update itself, right? I guess you don't know. Or care. More of the not caring, now that I think about it. Yeah, that feels about right.
So I take this time out of my busywork to talk to you good people and let you know that I'm here, filled to the brim with sarcasm, cynicism and dry wit. I really do want to entertain you, or at least trick you to read this, but I'm only one person. There's only so much I can do in a 7 hour work day. Our customer database isn't going to update itself, right? I guess you don't know. Or care. More of the not caring, now that I think about it. Yeah, that feels about right.
Monday, January 3, 2011
What Happened?
I don't do resolutions. It feels ridiculous to start with a clean slate when last year was literally 3 days ago. Life is continuous. It never halts. Unless you die, of course, but you really can't do anything about that. I know people need some some of guidance to get them back on track, whatever or wherever that track is, but life is too short to keep starting it over every 12 months. So I say take what you have or have not learned in the recent months, and throw it into the future, because honestly, this train isn't stopping. And don't say you never learned anything last year. I call bullshit. Just because you didn't like what you learned does not mean it doesn't apply to you. Take me for instance. I did not have a good year but I learned a lot, most of which I did not want to be privy to, but it's hard to unlearn something. Unless I have a stroke that affects the learning cortex of my brain and I forget how to do everything. Sorry, that's not funny. It's true, but not funny. Unless you laughed. You horrible person you. Join the club. I'm on a lot of medication right now.
Deep Breath.
It's hard to tell whether or not you'll have a good year when you're starting out. Honestly you don't really know until the following December. Of course, everyone hopes for a good year. No one is desperately wishing for an arduous one full of heartbreak and financial woes. Unless you're into that. I don't know your life. I think we should all stop hoping for a good year and go into it with low expectations. Take a look at last year, for example. I remember countless newspaper headlines that romanticized 2010 as the year that will save us from our sorrow. It was going to be good. It had to be good. But it wasn't, was it? And I say that from an objective standpoint. I am in no way putting my experiences into the mix. We wanted everything to be automatically fixed once the ball dropped; it may be the American in us but we don't like waiting. Obviously. Look at all those 9/11 themed movies that were released even though it's still too soon. We expect things to be resolved in neat 22 minute episodes as if life was part of a Thursday night lineup. Instead, it's more like the movie Australia: never ending and with absolutely no spark of happiness/chemistry to light the way to the end (even though it's fucking Hugh Jackman for Christ sakes. Woman up, Kidman). Back to analogies that really only make sense to me: it's getting better, but it's not happening in an instant. Who knows what next year will bring? All I'm saying is that you shouldn't expect too much. That way if the year does turn out to be awesome, it'll be like bonus materials that are so excessive, it garners an extra dvd. No one ever hates on bonus materials. Sorry but I was trying to keep in the theme of the rant.
To those who skimmed: go back and read it again you slackers! I'm not going to sum things up for you and let you miss out on all the good stuff thought up by my intense doses of dayquil and robitussin and a little bit of zycam topped off with the lingering tylenol PM from last night. Seriously though, someone read it back to me. I feel like I might have offended a lot of people/places/religious creeds.
Deep Breath.
It's hard to tell whether or not you'll have a good year when you're starting out. Honestly you don't really know until the following December. Of course, everyone hopes for a good year. No one is desperately wishing for an arduous one full of heartbreak and financial woes. Unless you're into that. I don't know your life. I think we should all stop hoping for a good year and go into it with low expectations. Take a look at last year, for example. I remember countless newspaper headlines that romanticized 2010 as the year that will save us from our sorrow. It was going to be good. It had to be good. But it wasn't, was it? And I say that from an objective standpoint. I am in no way putting my experiences into the mix. We wanted everything to be automatically fixed once the ball dropped; it may be the American in us but we don't like waiting. Obviously. Look at all those 9/11 themed movies that were released even though it's still too soon. We expect things to be resolved in neat 22 minute episodes as if life was part of a Thursday night lineup. Instead, it's more like the movie Australia: never ending and with absolutely no spark of happiness/chemistry to light the way to the end (even though it's fucking Hugh Jackman for Christ sakes. Woman up, Kidman). Back to analogies that really only make sense to me: it's getting better, but it's not happening in an instant. Who knows what next year will bring? All I'm saying is that you shouldn't expect too much. That way if the year does turn out to be awesome, it'll be like bonus materials that are so excessive, it garners an extra dvd. No one ever hates on bonus materials. Sorry but I was trying to keep in the theme of the rant.
To those who skimmed: go back and read it again you slackers! I'm not going to sum things up for you and let you miss out on all the good stuff thought up by my intense doses of dayquil and robitussin and a little bit of zycam topped off with the lingering tylenol PM from last night. Seriously though, someone read it back to me. I feel like I might have offended a lot of people/places/religious creeds.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
What Would Don Draper Do?
Don Draper is really the inspiration for this. I'm a self-proclaimed Idea Person. I think up stuff, I just normally can't execute it very well. That's for the smart people. Who else would have thought of "Make 2000 a Millenium Bash with Caitlin and Angela for President and Vice President?" Ok, I was 12 at the time, but I swear it was our slogans and peppy speech that helped us win. Or Mrs. Manning thought we'd be the least trouble. The latter was probably it, but we still rocked it. And we were trouble, so suck it you evil woman.
Junior high traumas aside, the more I watch Mad Men the more I start breaking down all ads, radio or otherwise. For the bad ones, I picture Peggy and the douchebag art guy pitching it to Don and getting ripped a new one for the shoddy work. I know, it's incredibly weird, but I'm not alone. Mags and I already discussed this. In fact, there is a great ad for a crappy beer on the radio that I have to marvel at it's genius. It's for Coors Lite, and the song goes along to the theme for the NFL. I think it's for the NFL. Some kind of sports game. It goes like this:
We know a guy
(His name is Steve)
He reached for a beer
(he thought was cold)
But it turned out to be warm!
He should have got Coors Lite
Cold Activated Cans
It tells you when it's cold
So you will always know
The end is probably wrong, but the song gets your attention. And that's not just why it's brilliant. It advertises something that is incredibly unnecessary and totally useless. You know how I know when a beer can is cold? When I touch it. Unless you were born deprived of a fifth sense, you don't need a mood ring for your beer. But when you listen to the commercial, you rejoice in the fact that someone has finally found a way to help you out just a little bit more in your life. Bravo, Coors.
And I know there is a lot that goes into advertising, and I know that I have no experience in the field, and I know that I was inspired by a character on tv who is not real, but I think I could be of some assistance to the locals who are in need of some guidance and some way to capture the Barbarians attentions. Hire me.
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