Like it if you agree

As my older sister constantly reminds me in that signature high pitched voice of hers, I hate a lot of things. She sees it as a bad thing, I see it as a good thing. People who love everything are not to be trusted. It's as simple as that.

What my dear sister does not realize is how very wrong she is about me. I just happen to hate everything she likes. And with good reason. For those who don't know her, she thinks quality comedy is Legally Blonde. Right?

I'm veering off my reason for writing here today. There is something out there that I love and hate with equal fervor. I can say for certain that everyone in the modern day world agrees with me on this. For once in this world, everyone is joined together in a brotherhood (or sisterhood for any protesting feminists reading this) by the same on-again, off-again relationship they have with their biggest frenemy:

Facebook.

You all know the feeling. You love being able to stalk people on it but hate the fact that you yourself can be stalked. You hate how addicting it is to check your feed for updates yet you can't stop doing it 10 times an hour*. And so here is my love/hate list:

LOVE
-Parents/old people on facebook.
         -It's cute, really. They don't how to work everything so they end up leaving a comment on their own page. Or they write you a comment like they were writing you a letter. They sign their name and everything! They leave countless peppy messages on their kids walls, wishing them nothing but love everyday. They join every single facebook game that has to do with animals. They reconnect with their friends and you get to learn maiden names.
HATE
-Parents/old people on facebook
       -It's a double edged sword, ya'll. It's just not right. It's the reason why myspace fell so quickly. Parents joined, became friends with their kids and everyone fled. It'll happen here soon. Someone just needs to start another site, make it really exclusive so everyone will want to join, then eventually let everyone on, and repeat.
And I hate feeling like an ass when I leave a caustic remark on a friend's wall, then check back a few hours later to discover their mother left them a really sweet comment above mine. They don't know I'm joking. They probably hate me. And I think my love for old people on facebook would be diminished if my mother joined. All sorts of bad would happen then. So for now, it's a mix.
LOVE
Status Updates
      -I'm not going to lie. I love writing stuff in my status. I try to make it funny as not to annoy people when they scroll through their friends opinions, but it's also because I want people to write on my wall. You do it too. It's really an easy way to get praise for the day. I'm a middle child, what's your excuse?
HATE
Whiny Updates/People who Egg the Whiners On
       -We get it. Your life sucks. And I also know you're writing this to receive affirmations that your life, in fact, does not suck. You have so much to live for! And as for the girls who complain about being single/can't find a good man/feel unloved, shut your mouth. You know it's not true, you just want to hear it from others. And don't think I've forgotten about you, you pushers. Why do you fall for their attention seeking ways? Do you honestly believe they are a second away from jumping off a bridge? If they are, I doubt they would be updating thier status. Honestly though, I wouldn't put it past anyone.
LOVE
Being able to "like" things
       -It's better than having to leave a comment. It's there for when you enjoy what a person had to say, or a funny picture someone posted, etc. but you don't have much else to say about it. Wonderful. It's also useful for when your friends post some good news about them that you don't necessarily like, but feel like a bad friend for ignoring it. Apparently. So I've been told.
HATE
Employers searching on Facebook
        -I hate that some companies now ask you to send a link to your facebook page when you apply for a job. I have even heard that employers ask to friend you when you're at the interview. Lines are getting blurred, and I for one think that what I do on facebook is for me and my 300 friends to know about. It's not for work, it's for fun. Until I send out an invitation to the one act I'm directing in May which everyone better attend or else their pets will go missing, it's just for fun.
LOVE
Hiding people
       -My favorite thing. It's better than deleting friends. You just hide them, and your day gets better. No offense to my friends, but there are some of you who take to the update like no one's business. Or you like to share facts about your children's digestive habits. Or you play a million games. I'm sorry to say, but I really don't care. This way, no one's feelings get hurt. Nobody needs to know. And we have all felt that sting of when you look up a profile and see that "Add so-and-so as a friend" button when you were pretty sure that you were already friends, and not just the "we met once" friends. I'm looking at you Amelia. But you can't see this. Because you defriended me.
HATE
Check-ins
-Is this what they're called? Anways, to the people who use it: aren't you just a little creeped out that someone can track your every move with assistance from you yourself? I do know for a very creepy fact that someone i know has used this before to their advantage. There's more out there. But for realsies here, I don't care that you're at the airport. Or at the bowling alley. Or that you're eating korean bbq. Unless you're inviting me to dine with you, I don't want to know where that restaurant is.
LOVE
Sharing links
Thank you Zuckerberg for making it easier to post articles or cleverly written blog posts. It's better then the old way of copying the link, then trying to embed it on your wall, unsure of if it will appear or just post the link and all that other nonsense that's vital to the video but looks like I just suffered a stroke and started pressing random numbers on the keyboard. No, i do not know the exact words for that, I'm only human. You know what I'm talking about, so don't make me explain. Anyways, thanks for that.
HATE
Losing a personal connection
-Let's get dark here for a second. We get so personal online, we share so much stuff, but if we were interacting face to face, we wouldn't dare to do that with people we barely knew. Plus, people facebook you to catch up instead of calling you. You literally have nothing to talk about when you encounter an old friend you haven't seen in years because you already know what's going on in their lives. I'll admit it: it's easier to talk to someone when it's not face to face. However, I do like interacting with people, it's good for the soul, and I'd like to be able to continue doing that with others.

Well, that's all I have the patience and time for. There probably are more, and they'll come to me as soon as I post this, but that's where you come in, readers. All three of you. Tell me your love/hates about the Face and I will read them and like them. Unless I don't agree with you. Then I'm deleting you as a friend. You have been warned.





*This statistic does not apply to those who have facebook on their phones. That could up the count. I don't know how you live your life.

Welcome Back

So I haven't been writing as of late, and I would apologize but I'm not that sorry. I wrote because I enjoyed imagining people reading my whimsical thoughts on life and wishing they could hang out with me all the time. And I was bored. That was a big factor. Now I actually have work to do. In fact, I have this ongoing thing which I have been working on for a while and never seems to end. That sounds like hell to most people, but to the person who made it her job to stalk people on Facebook, it sounds refreshing. It's like her job does end up helping someone. Who that someone is, she has no idea, but it's nice to have that in mind. Makes the hours feel well spent. And I do stalk people, but it actually helps me with my work. I don't have to do it, but I go that extra mile. By the way, go to spokeo.com, look up your name, then get it removed. It's creepy. Totally unrelated. Moving on.

So I take this time out of my busywork to talk to you good people and let you know that I'm here, filled to the brim with sarcasm, cynicism and dry wit. I really do want to entertain you, or at least trick you to read this, but I'm only one person. There's only so much I can do in a 7 hour work day. Our customer database isn't going to update itself, right? I guess you don't know. Or care. More of the not caring, now that I think about it. Yeah, that feels about right.

What Happened?

I don't do resolutions. It feels ridiculous to start with a clean slate when last year was literally 3 days ago. Life is continuous. It never halts. Unless you die, of course, but you really can't do anything about that. I know people need some some of guidance to get them back on track, whatever or wherever that track is, but life is too short to keep starting it over every 12 months. So I say take what you have or have not learned in the recent months, and throw it into the future, because honestly, this train isn't stopping. And don't say you never learned anything last year. I call bullshit. Just because you didn't like what you learned does not mean it doesn't apply to you. Take me for instance. I did not have a good year but I learned a lot, most of which I did not want to be privy to, but it's hard to unlearn something. Unless I have a stroke that affects the learning cortex of my brain and I forget how to do everything. Sorry, that's not funny. It's true, but not funny. Unless you laughed. You horrible person you. Join the club. I'm on a lot of medication right now.

Deep Breath.

It's hard to tell whether or not you'll have a good year when you're starting out. Honestly you don't really know until the following December. Of course, everyone hopes for a good year. No one is desperately wishing for an arduous one full of heartbreak and financial woes. Unless you're into that. I don't know your life. I think we should all stop hoping for a good year and go into it with low expectations. Take a look at last year, for example. I remember countless newspaper headlines that romanticized 2010 as the year that will save us from our sorrow. It was going to be good. It had to be good. But it wasn't, was it? And I say that from an objective standpoint. I am in no way putting my experiences into the mix. We wanted everything to be automatically fixed once the ball dropped; it may be the American in us but we don't like waiting. Obviously. Look at all those 9/11 themed movies that were released even though it's still too soon. We expect things to be resolved in neat 22 minute episodes as if life was part of a Thursday night lineup. Instead, it's more like the movie Australia: never ending and with absolutely no spark of happiness/chemistry to light the way to the end (even though it's fucking Hugh Jackman for Christ sakes. Woman up, Kidman).  Back to analogies that really only make sense to me: it's getting better, but it's not happening in an instant. Who knows what next year will bring? All I'm saying is that you shouldn't expect too much. That way if the year does turn out to be awesome, it'll be like bonus materials that are so excessive, it garners an extra dvd. No one ever hates on bonus materials. Sorry but I was trying to keep in the theme of the rant.

To those who skimmed: go back and read it again you slackers! I'm not going to sum things up for you and let you miss out on all the good stuff thought up by my intense doses of dayquil and robitussin and a little bit of zycam topped off with the lingering tylenol PM from last night. Seriously though, someone read it back to me. I feel like I might have offended a lot of people/places/religious creeds.

What Would Don Draper Do?

When you work in downtown Santa Barbara and live at the Northernmost tip of Goleta, there's a chance you are in your car a good deal. And when you are in your car a good deal, there's a chance that you listen to the radio a lot. And when you listen to the radio a lot, there's a chance you are able to recite line for line nearly every commercial on the air. Most of the time I am rolling my eyes at the local ones, because honestly, did you have to find the shyest person in the world to do a voiceover? I know she's your granddaughter, but she sounds positively scared to tell you that pumpkin pies at Andersen's bakery are only 12 dollars. Either I'm going to start up my own voiceover practice or an ad agency catering to local companies. Maggie, come with me.

Don Draper is really the inspiration for this. I'm a self-proclaimed Idea Person. I think up stuff, I just normally can't execute it very well. That's for the smart people. Who else would have thought of "Make 2000 a Millenium Bash with Caitlin and Angela for President and Vice President?" Ok, I was 12 at the time, but I swear it was our slogans and peppy speech that helped us win. Or Mrs. Manning thought we'd be the least trouble. The latter was probably it, but we still rocked it. And we were trouble, so suck it you evil woman.

Junior high traumas aside, the more I watch Mad Men the more I start breaking down all ads, radio or otherwise. For the bad ones, I picture Peggy and the douchebag art guy pitching it to Don and getting ripped a new one for the shoddy work. I know, it's incredibly weird, but I'm not alone. Mags and I already discussed this. In fact, there is a great ad for a crappy beer on the radio that I have to marvel at it's genius. It's for Coors Lite, and the song goes along to the theme for the NFL. I think it's for the NFL. Some kind of sports game. It goes like this:

We know a guy

(His name is Steve)

He reached for a beer

(he thought was cold)

But it turned out to be warm!

He should have got Coors Lite

Cold Activated Cans

It tells you when it's cold

So you will always know

The end is probably wrong, but the song gets your attention. And that's not just why it's brilliant. It advertises something that is incredibly unnecessary and totally useless. You know how I know when a beer can is cold? When I touch it. Unless you were born deprived of a fifth sense, you don't need a mood ring for your beer. But when you listen to the commercial, you rejoice in the fact that someone has finally found a way to help you out just a little bit more in your life. Bravo, Coors.

And I know there is a lot that goes into advertising, and I know that I have no experience in the field, and I know that I was inspired by a character on tv who is not real, but I think I could be of some assistance to the locals who are in need of some guidance and some way to capture the Barbarians attentions. Hire me.

What I'm Thankful For

As I sit in a house that's not mine, trying to find a place to put my purse so it isn't in the way but always ends up being in the way, feeling useless because I want to help but  don't want to get yelled at if I mess up the said helping, watching a football game on tv that I could care less about, all the while hoping someone switches the channel and happens upon The Incredibles playing on Disney, there is one thing on my mind that makes it all worthwhile:
Stuffing.
Beautiful, glorious stuffing. I really don't see why people nicknamed Thanksgiving Turkey Day when it's really all about the stuffing. Stuffing Day would be so much more appropriate. And it is a day where we indeed eat to the max, thereby "stuffing" our bodies, if you will, so it works both ways. I don't think I've ever met someone who did not say, "Yeah, turkey's ok, but what I really love is the stuffing." It's the number one desirable on the dinner table. It's the first leftover to disappear, if there is any to save. Nobody is saving a spot on their plate for cranberry sauce. It really makes my day go round. Even after the plates are cleared, and people start claiming patches of carpet to nap on, I'm thinking about 2nd dinner and the stuffing i will again pile on my plate in a few hours. I feel so bad for the souls who have ever suffered from bad stuffing. God knows I've heard horror stories. Bad ones. And the worst? Some fancy Aunt/Uncle decides that watching food network makes them a real chef and makes some gourmet stuffing with pecans or some other shit in it. Thankfully, that has never happened to me, and I'm pretty sure I will riot if someone substituted Old Faithful for "Stuffing Pizza." It's exactly as it sounds.

For some reason, this is the only day I eat stuffing (Friday after Thanksgiving excluded). I know stores sell it, but I feel just a little ridiculous and lot like a stoner if I sought out stuffing on regular days. I know there's no rule, but there is a guideline, and it's probably in my best interest to follow that guideline. And just like the McRib*, maybe stuffing is all the rage and then some because you only get it once a year. Unless you have it on Christmas too. Which I still don't get. Why turkey on both holidays that are a month apart? Branch out a little more, Whiteys.

So on this upcoming Thanksgiving Day, enjoy your stuffing. You earned it. And add an extra scoop for me. For reals. If you cannot finish it, which is highly doubtful because, come on, it's stuffing, pack it up and send it my way.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

*This in no way condones the consumption of McRib sandwiches. I'm looking at you, Maggie Clarke.

SmorgasBORED of thoughts.

Well, I'm bored as usual at work, and I decided to have that work for me and pick up my playwriting/screenwriting/any kind of theatrical writing because let's face it, it's fate that I am sitting in front of a computer all day with a lot of time on my hands. The universe is begging me to write. One tiny problem: I have writer's block. OF COURSE. I have it in all aspects of my life, including this blog that was started in order to amuse you and myself; well mainly just me and maybe my bored co-worker, and just the teensiest bit for resume purposes in case an online magazine is looking for a blogger specializing in rants and television. Thankfully, I can now write about writer's block so I guess I don't have it anymore but once I'm done with this post I will have to go back to simultaneously writing and deleting which has unwittingly turned into my new favorite past time.

And now I'm stuck again. I swear I had more on the subject but it left my brain. Now all I can think about is how Undercovers has been cancelled and I'm not too surprised because it wasn't anything out of the ordinary but I'm also sad because that means Ben Schwartz is out of a job but that also makes me happy because it wasn't a good role for him. Yes I did have coffee today why do you ask? Is it my lack of a structured sentence? Grammar can suck it right now cause I'm just going with the flow. Back to the show: I never gave you a review of it because I really didn't want to. The whole show was just about married spies who have to learn how to work together as a team in a new way. And NBC wondered why it wasn't attracting a young audience.

Back to writing. I have a lot of things swirling around in my little head that always sound good until I put them to paper. Right now I have three plots about a girl my age who isn't doing anything with her life. Whomever said to draw from your own experiences should have followed up with "if your experiences are exciting." Naturally those plots are on the back burner. And by back burner I mean saved and probably not revisited until I have to clear some space on my flash drive. I admire all you real writers out there. You can probably think of a beginning, middle, and end off the top of your head. I'm still stuck on the beginning.

I'm over this. McLafferty Out.

Halloweentown 2.

Song Stuck in Head: Fernando-Abba

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. I actually had plans for the first time in years, which sounds really sad but I don't lie about how boring my life is. That would be unfair the older me whenever she wants to reminisce about what a self righteous smart ass she was. Good times.
My friend Jessica discovered a 70's Soul dance party at SoHo on Saturday night. We all attempted to dress as 70's as we could. I say attempted mainly because I couldn't find anything that I liked/ fit me until the very last minute, and even then it was eh. Turns out it was not strictly 70's dress up, it was any costume, but oh well. They didn't turn us away. I made some makeshift bell bottoms an hour before I met up with my friends a.k.a. I pinned the fabric to my jeans. They hurt whenever they caught on my skin, but I got used to it. I had a Led Zeppelin vintage shirt for my top; I guess I was trying to go as a female Hyde from That 70's Show. Jess braided a band for my head, which helped tie my look down to a specific era. I like going to SoHo, mainly because I was one of the younger ones there. Everyone else was definitely 15 years my senior, and it's nice not having to crawl amongst the stupid 21 year olds that populate the other bars I seldom visit. And not to brag, but we were easily the best dancers there. i don't know if you lose skills as you age, or maybe it was the demographic (white, middle aged, heavy drinkers), but it wasn't hard to do. I couldn't seem to make out most of the costumes, but there was a guy who was dressed like the alien guy in Avatar whose name I would know if I saw that movie (suck it, James Cameron), and when he wore the full mask he looked super creepy. PLUS, we saw a big group of people do the thriller dance. Yeah/

I actually succeeded at my pumpkin carving adventure this year. Every time I attempt to do a somewhat intricate design it turns into a huge hole. In honor of my blind, not so cute dog Snuffles, I carved a Boston Terrier. If she could have seen it, I'd say she'd approve, then bark at me to get her a treat. Stupid dog. Johnny Boy did a tribute to Conan which looked awesome, and you'll have to take my word for it because I don't have the pictures uploaded yet. My hands, fingers, and arms hurt today, and even though I immediately assumed it to be early onset arthritis, common sense kicked in when I went over my previous day. Pumpkin carving is hard work, yo.

I also made my Dad's chili. Well, it's not his creation, but it's the one he made every Halloween for us and it is amazing and one of the few foods he could make better than my mom. That and meatloaf. It's ok, she's aware of it. I have extra if anyone in the Santa Barbara area wants some. Seriously. It can serve a small army.


High point of my day: Customers did not make me want to shove a pencil into my forehead. Success!