Renovating the Remakes

Why does Hollywood feel the need to remake everything? I'll answer that, thank you very much. It's because of money. They don't give a shit about how good it'll turn out because they know people will still come and see the remake out of curiosity alone. Maybe the producers have told themselves that it's going to be even better than the first, but those few remakes that accomplished that are the exception, not the rule. Maybe the creativity pool is so shallow that they can't even think to steal an idea from an old movie and put it in a new one. It's probably not that trendy to belong to a creativity pool in Hollywood anyways. If it was creativity Bikram yoga, it would be a different story.

Everyone knows that drama, music, and art rely heavily on "borrowing" from others, and it's ok! People have been doing it for thousands of years. And even though purists (a.k.a. douchebag artistes) turn their nose up at it and spend a whole lifetime attempting to invent something new, they can't escape it.

Now, buckle up, my army posse gathering obligated group of readers, I'm about to blow your mind. No, I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm so bad at hype.

Why don't we remake the bad movies? You know, aside from the crappy remakes. You can just leave those alone. Don't you ever watch a bad movie, and just want to yell cut and change things up? I've seen some movies that initially had a great plot, then the writer(s) had a stroke and started typing up complete nonsense and deviating from the original story line*. Or the movies that look like someone has watched every "great" movie of a genre, then they believe that by combining all the best moments that made each individual movie stand out into their movie, it'll be an instant masterpiece. Or the movies that just don't know when to cut a scene. I know, it's the funniest scene in the movie, but it has no business being there. Sometimes you have to kill your babies. And I don't mean that in a drown your kid in the bathtub way. It's more of a teen abortion kind of way. Did I just joke about abortion? You betcha! It's cool guys, my mom prays for me.


First on the list? When in Rome. I watched this movie knowing fully well that it would be terrible, and it was. First remake idea? KEEP IT IN ROME. I mean, come on! Don't put a city in the title and then base it in yet another city. It's not like you needed to move it to a more interesting city. Rome, from what I have heard, is pretty awesome, and it's in the most awesome country in Europe! Again, I have not been there, but I am Italian, so I've been raised on a bias.

Then we can hit up the sequels. Just because the first movie was a success does not mean you can recycle the jokes and the premise and expect it to be as successful. As a basic writing exercise, why don't you treat the movie like a tv show? Those writers have to put the same characters in new premises week after week, and usually, it takes about five seasons before the writing gets sloppy and the characters turn into caricatures of their former selves. I haven't seen the Hangover 2, but I assume it will not go off as well as the first. Why do I think that? Hmm, let's see...maybe because they lost someone again, and Stu has something permanently damaging done to his face again, and Mike Tyson is in it, AGAIN! Plus, it looks like Ken Jeong has a bigger role, and I just can't pay money for that, I just can't.

What about Gigli? Didn't see it, but I heard it was bad. So, someone shouldgo back and work on that. Pretty much just remake every movie JLo was in, and start it off with casting a better actress. Done. Classic!

Ok, there are tons more that I can write all day about, but I am at work and they are paying me to pay attention to customers, whether I want to or not. But think about it, wouldn't you be just a little curious to see a remake of a bad film? My idea probably won't ever get off the ground, you know because it's more about artistic integrity and not about making any money whatsoever, but it's a noble thought. Yes, I did just deem my thought as noble. What of it? I don't hear any of you praising me. I've got to do it on my own or I'd be a mess of insecurities.


*To all you writers out there, I am aware that scripts can be butchered by horrible producers, and I'm not really blaming you. I'm blaming the scabs who are hired to "rework" your script. Or maybe I'll just blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Chivalry is getting resuscitated

I hear women whining all over the blogosphere (mental note to self: never use the word blogosphere ever again unless you want to start bleeding from the ears): "Chivalry is dead. Men aren't the way they used to be. Blah blah blah open my car door for me." The blogosphere(damn it) also tells me that chivalry is incredibly sexist. By opening doors for ladies, or pulling a chair out for their date, or even throwing their coat on a puddle, these misogynists assume that us lil' ladies are too frail to do anything ourselves. These two opposing voices are constantly bickering, setting the blogosphere (I can't stop writing it!) afire and frankly, I feel like they're making me choose sides and I don't like it, not one bit.

I will say this: I do enjoy when someone holds a door open for me. It warms my hardened heart. It doesn't matter whether or not it is opened by a man or a woman, it's nice to know someone who doesn't know you cares. Yes, a man opening the door will beat a woman any day, hands down, but I'll take what I can get.

I have noticed that doors aren't opening as often as they used to, and by used to, I mean way back in the late 90's. This is just a theory, but I think circa Sex and the City (yes I am referencing SATC and trying to make a valid point of it so leave me alone, my ears are bleeding for God's sake!) era, a lot more women began shedding the damsel in distress act* and taking on the superheroine roll, and most men had a super big hissy fit and decided (like the little boys they are and will always be) that if women are going to start being more independent, then they have to open their own damn doors. That'll teach 'em! They can ask men out on dates for a change! How's that, equal rights amendment supporters!
Forget those men, but don't forget the feeling you got when they ran to pull your chair out before you got there. I say bring it back, ladies. If men aren't going to do it, you might as dominate this area of life as well. I have already taken initiative. I've always held open doors for people, especially guys. It's awesome. They don't know how to feel about it! There's a slight hesitation, but with a tilt of my head, they enter, their heads lowered (in shame?) with a quiet thanks.
Naturally, the thought that they may just be surprised that anyone is opening a door for them, and the hesitation could be the fear that I will dart in front of them and let the door hit them in the shoulder has crossed my mind. But for now, I'm going with female chivalry. It's more fun. We can so take on the male duties while they wait for their balls to grow back.

Just try it. It's a lot of fun. Promise. Bonus points: it just makes for a politer** world. With crappy things happening on a daily basis (Syria killing 30 protesters, Pakistan passive-aggressively threatening the US, Jennifer Aniston is in yet another movie), any good deed is a welcome change.

If you will excuse me, there are some bloody ears I need to attend to.

Blogosphere. (WHY GOD WHY?)

*There are still women out there who use this, and they should be avoided at all costs. I have no respect for them.
** Is that a word?***
***Yes it is. Spellcheck did not harp on me. But did I use it correctly?****
****Microsoft Word didn't have a problem with it, so there.